I cried today for the first time since the last time I swore I wouldn't do it.
I cried because something had to give, and because no dam can contain the spring within me.
I cried because it hurts to know that my heart is split in two uneven pieces and I know not which part is yours.
What is really me who sought another? Or was it you who failed to give me what I needed?
Is it truly selfish of me to find a smile in a stolen moment with another? It feels so right and I feel so alive, but it'll never be more than what I've built with you, and yet, I can't and won't do without it.
I love you because you're steady, an anchor and solid ground.
I love him because he makes my heart soar.
What cruel entity decided that we should love but one, when we constantly change and inevitably find a connection to another?
I can't find me a sinner, for I protect your feelings with my secrecy. I know what it would mean for you to know that while you touch me, I long for another. There is nothing I can do.
I cried today for the first time since the last time I swore I wouldn't do it.
I'm lost and I don't know where to turn. A noble part of me wants to walk away from you both, and deprive myself from countless joys and disappointments I'm sure to feel with you.
Every tear is a fragment of my heart, and I curse this longing to feel loved, to walk on steady ground while daring to soar.
I cried because nothing has hurt me more than to love you both.
K
Why is it that every time I want to walk the straight and narrow, some temptation arises to test the gossamer of my resolve?
I don't need your smile to halt my breathing. I don't need your eyes to reflect the same need I feel in my insides each time I look at you. I don't need to see the rippling of your muscles that makes my body respond, treacherous as ever, overriding my common sense.
I don't need you to enable me to sabotage what I have, what I know is good for me.
But damned if I'm not hopelessly attracted to the very sound of your name and everything it evokes. I want you, plain and simple. I don't want to love you. I don't want you to love me. I have a need that needs met, and you are the which I most need right now.
I can easily throw myself at you, allow myself to be used and abused in each and every way imaginable because at this moment, when I see you standing before me, I want you.
So what of the bloody consequences? Life happens only once and those wankers preaching afterlife are fooling themselves. If it's only one ride, why not make it count?
It's simple really.
I'll forget I have something good and pure that may come to be something permanent, if only for a stretch of time, long enough to satisfy these urges.
Think of me what you will, but I want you just the same. I don't care who knows. I don't care what opinions may rain on me. I'm not one to advocate conscience. Not if it gets in the way of what I want and right now, I want you.
Each song strikes a chord
Your face appears before me
In the memory of your touch
My body flames of its own accord
I'm helpless against the tide
Of images, daydreams, wishes
And the all consuming vortex
Of the longing to have you by my side
Looking up at all the stars
Out of all those millions
I hope to share just one
So I can live with my scars
I take one more deep breath
Knowing we'll breathe the same air
This aching longing keeps me alive
Even as it slowly causes my death
Come into my arms one day
Let me lose it all in your kiss
Take my soul, my heart, and body
Love me and take this longing away
Kaycee
